Tsis Muaj Koj Lawm

I lied; I changed my status from "SINGLE" into "BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP" because I had my reasons & he texted me asking who the unlucky guy was. At first I was angry at him. How can he say that? Saying it as if everything we had was a joke, was a waste of time. I guess it was a waste for him, but I loved him with all my heart & the love I had for him was no joke. I guess you can say that I feel bad for lying to him and for not telling him who it was. But I had my reasons. I thought he wouldn't really care who I go out with or that he wanted to do anything with me anymore.

I don't personally know if I'm over him, if I'm really ready to move on. I don't know if I still love him or if I hate him. I don't know what the deal is with him anymore. Sometimes I wanna push him away, other times, I wanna pull him as close as I can to me. For some reason, as of right now, I miss him. I don't know why, and I don't wanna understand why. If I miss him, then just let it be missed.

When we were coming home, mom asked me if he were to ask for another chance, would I returned. Sigh, truth is, I don't know. I really don't; thinking about all the things we've been through and how the relationship ran, I don't know if there would be a better one. But thinking about the pain he caused, I don't know if he would be able to fix it even though he was the one who caused it because it's been this long, the wound just got covered up by dead skin, but it never fully recovered. I have a feeling it will just kill me and make me more insecure about everything. If we were to get back, I know I would love him, but I won't love myself, I won't love US. I'd just abuse it and make everything worst.

Sigh...

Why?