Growing up I've always learned to be independent. Daddy left two months after I started first grade. He was only in my life for 8 years. Never knew him, never realized how he loved me, never knew how it'd be to have a father figure in my life. I held with all my might onto mom. But pretty soon, she was pretty much fed up with all the bullcrap and heartache that my father caused her. She turned wild, met the wrong people, and started hanging out late. Bringing home guys who I hate to see stay. Grandma has always told me, "Be strong. You're big now, you can be your own mother and father." I took my grandma's words into heart.
Life came by, met many boys, fell in love with many of them. Mom finally got married to another father. At first I didn't like him, thought he was a bad influence in my life. As the marriage progressed, I came to love him as my own father. He provided us with money, loved and treated us as if we were his own kids. He never hid money away from us, he never bought things for only him or mom. He always thought of the younger kids. And I guess you can say I liked the fact that he would always be there to support mom with whatever she did, even though she does it more than him. I was glad to finally see her happy again after being dumped by two ridiculous men who doesn't deserve all the good food and happy love she provided for them. And till this very day, I still love him as I would love my real father since I've never really had a real father figure in my life.
But recently, I just realized how disappointed I am in him. He never does anything with the family. He always does stuff his way, and go out with his friends. He never spends time with mom or the kids. He puts his friends in front of his family and I guess this is where it hurts. But I know that there's nothing we could do about it. Past him, there would be no one else out there who would love us more than him. Divorce men right now have kids of their own. They aren't playful and silly like him. They're always so proper and expect you to do everything perfectly, especially because you're not their children. Even though dad acts like a 7 year old, at least he doesn't trip when he comes homes and clothes are all over the floor, or that there's no food in the rice cooker. He doesn't expect a full meal with chicken, stir fry, vegetables, and all. All he expects is a bowl of rice, a cup of water, and a little something to swallow it down with. And the thing is least he still takes the younger two out and hang out with him even though he does bad things in front of them like smoke and drink. It's better than not having him in our life. I know he makes us sad, and he's done some ridiculous things that has made our hearts sank to the bottom of the ocean, and I know he doesn't know the traditional rituals like the other Hmong guys, but he's just like us. He grew up with no father and no mother in his life. He never had someone to point life in the good direction. That's why he's such a big screw up. But mom loves him, and I know that deep inside your heart, you love him as much as I love him too. He's become more than a stranger since the beginning that we met on the street. He's become the one we can all lean on when we're at our worst moments. He's the one that the community respects even if he's a bad person. He's family.
As for real dad, he's gone. He's been gone since I was eight and you were six. The younger ones don't even realize who he is. They see him as a stranger out on the street and I'm pretty sure you sometimes see him as that too. I know that when he calls, you younger ones never want to talk on the phone with him. But I want you guys to realize he's our father and no matter who we become in this world, he'll always be a part of us. I know he screwed up big time in his life and let us go, and I can't say I don't hate him for that. I do, I hate him for leaving us out in the cold. In the middle of winter. Leaving me when I was 8 and making mom take two rolls in her life. I hate him for making me mature up so fast and not let me enjoy my childhood. But through all this hate, I love him so much. Like grandma says, "Rhau yus txiv yeej tsis muaj leej twg hlub yus npaum li nws li lawm os." And even though there wasn't much memory with him, with all the happy memories I remember of him, I love him. I remember him carrying me upstairs to bed when I would fall asleep on the couch. Him picking me up from school when it's super cold out and how he would take me to school every morning when I was super tired to ride the bus. How he would write me my stories in first grade to share with the class. I remember him writing me my current events and asking him what golf was. Hahaha...I remember how his car always smelt so good and how it was always warm every time he took me to school. Life without him just isn't the same....And how would I know? Living through 17 years of my life, I always had him on the back of my mind. Every new year, every Christmas, every father's day, I remember these memories and I fantasize how it would be with him in our lives. And it hurts, it always will. There will always be a empty part in all our hearts knowing that we grew up without our real fathers in our lives, but we have to move on and accept those new ones who came into it. Even if they don't measure up or live up to our standards and expectations, it's what life brings to us that makes us who we are. It's what brings us closer to each other. Without real dad leaving we would be big time money users. Without him leaving, we wouldn't know how to treasure mom. Without him leaving, we wouldn't know how to treasure and see life as a beautiful thing. Without mom marrying again we wouldn't know how it would be to have a half father in our lives. Without her marrying again we wouldn't understand how important it is to try to make our future a better place for our children and how we all have to work together and fight together.
Don't be scared about getting marry. Yeah we tease you every now and then about marriage, but I know you'll be a great mother and I know you'll love your kids very much. Don't let mom's life interfere with yours. You're suppose to learn from hers, not follow her mistakes. And you're the lucky one because you don't meet jerks and assholes in your life. You know when to take control and when to leave. Unlike me, I always forgive and forget. Give in and give up. I don't see a future for myself with a commited partner in it, but I want to see you with a family. I want to see my nieces and nephews and I want to meet my future brother-in-law. I want to see you have the life you never had and I want you to provide your kids with the love we never received. I know you can do it. You're a strong woman compare to me. I grew up independent yes, but deep inside, I'm not as strong as you are. So don't be scared. You have a great man by your side as of the moment and if he isn't the one in the future, you'll always meet someone else. Be glad you met him, but if he does end up being the one, I'm glad he's the one. Cherish life sister. Don't be sad. It's too precious to be wasted.
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